Pitch Workshop: Angela's 100k Women's
Welcome to the Pitch Workshop with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters, and me!
Here's how we're going to play:
Until February 18th, each of us will be posting pitches/150 word excerpts from the brave participants to our blogs. We will provide a critique, and then all of you, if you would like, can also critique the entry in the comments.
My rules if you are going to critique: Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Don't just say, "this sucks" or "this isn't working for me." Instead, say what exactly isn't working and offer a suggestion to help make it work. Any mean comments will be deleted. You know how it feels to receive critiques, so play fair. One of the best things we can do to help our own writing is to critique the work of others. It helps us to look at our own work with a critical eye.
Remember, this event is in preparation for our big pitch event coming up in march, so even if you didn't make it into the workshop, read the posts, critique, play along, and it can help you for the upcoming epic event!
So, onto the entries! My comments are in [blue].
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Title: Baggage
Genre:
Word count: 100,000
Pitch: Virginia Dawson's life is a mess—literally. [I feel like this first sentence evokes those cliche "woman's life is a mess" tropes, and I don't want your book getting stuck in that pigeonhole. How about adding her name to the next sentence to making it, "Living as a Hoarder, Virginia Dawson, has adapted to her..." Living as a hoarder, she has adapted to her organized chaos. Until she falls for Daniel. Can Virginia clean up her act before her secret is revealed? [It's better to steer clear of rhetorical questions. I'd rather see something here that gives a plot point, like she has eight hours before he arrives at her house before dinner or something.]
Excerpt:
I could possibly be a millionaire right now and I’m about to be crushed to death, how ironic. [How is that ironic?]
Today’s topic on “Abigail in the Afternoon” was how to become rich by simply selling your stuff. It’s brilliant really; sell stuff you no longer need to people desperately seeking it. Apparently, people scavenge through yard sales and flea markets searching for those rare finds. And I have one of them! In one of these six, err, seven boxes is my own little stash of cash—a Little Kimmy doll!
Today’s guest has informed me that my Little Kimmy doll is worth a small fortune. Kimmy, in her red polka-dotted sundress with matching hat, is rare and in high demand. Of course, The Expert did say there are two versions of the doll—the other, which is mass-produced and worthless—is wearing a pink polka-dotted dress with no hat, but I distinctly remember playing with the red polka-dotted version like it was yesterday. [Oh, I really do like this!]
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Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember, the critiquing rules: be nice, provide constructive criticism.
Posts
2 comments:
Hi Angela. I love the idea of a story from the viewpoint of a hoarder. I agree with Cassandra, that the first line doesn't do your premise justice. I think, the fact that it's about a hoarder looking for love is enough as a pitch. Trust your plot, it's all you need. Good luck!
Thank you Cassandra and Sharon for your feedback.
I certainly don't want my book to be pigeonholed.
As for the line about being ironic, I was thinking of that Alanis Morissette song where she sang about "won the lottery and died the next day, isn't it ironic?".
Thank you so much for your time and feedback.
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