Pitch Workshop - Carrie-Anne's 335k Historical
Welcome to the Pitch Workshop with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters, and me!
Here's how we're going to play:
Every day for the net ten days, each of us will be posting two pitches/150 word excerpts from the brave participants to our blogs. We will provide a critique, and then all of you, if you would like, can also critique the entry in the comments.
My rules if you are going to critique: Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Don't just say, "this sucks" or "this isn't working for me." Instead, say what exactly isn't working and offer a suggestion to help make it work. Any mean comments will be deleted. You know how it feels to receive critiques, so play fair. One of the best things we can do to help our own writing is to critique the work of others. It helps us to look at our own work with a critical eye.
Remember, this event is in preparation for our big pitch event coming up in march, so even if you didn't make it into the workshop, read the posts, critique, play along, and it can help you for the upcoming epic event!
So, onto the entries! My comments are in blue.
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Name: Carrie-Anne
Title: You Cannot Kill a Swan: The Love Story of Lyuba and Ivan
Genre: Historical fiction, saga
Word count: 335,000 (it was deliberately planned and plotted as a very long book and has been through a lot of editing and revising; this isn't the type of story that I could've wrapped up within 400 pages) [I appreciate where you're coming from on the word count, but honestly, this is not going to fly. Sure there are exceptions to the word count rules, but as a debut author you don't have the luxury of being the exception. Printing bigger books has a bigger price tag and takes up a bigger space on bookstore shelves. For your book to be worth the risk for publishers, you'll have to have a proven track record of sales. This means that perhaps you might need to put this book aside until you earn the higher word count allowance. Alternatively, you can try self-publishing.]
Pitch: Lyuba Zhukova and Ivan Konev deal with emotional turmoil and civil upheaval as they and their band of friends run for their lives from the Bolsheviks and deal with the reality of American immigrant life. [This is all well and good, but it's flat and vague. What sets this plot apart from other historical novels just like it? What about this novel's plot warrant's the bloated word count? Try highlighting a specific event or emotion to bring the characters or plot to the surface.]
Excerpt:
Instead of walking to St. Basil’s Cathedral to marry his dream girl, Iván Ivánovich Konev is crying his eyes out in a broom closet.
His heartbeat quickens when he hears approaching footsteps and the door opening. Perhaps his [He wouldn't refer to her as his, would he? He would use 'my' instead.]belovèd Lyuba has already changed her mind, he thinks as he turns around.
Instead his eyes fill with the sight of his good friend Alekséy Vladímirovich Trótskiy, one of the only people who knew about their clandestine romance.
“Lyuba just jilted me when I asked her to marry me [he asked her to marry him on the day of their wedding?] and go to America! And to add insult to injury, she said she still loves me. I’ve never heard of such a confusing, heartbreaking response to a marriage proposal!”
“What? That doesn’t make any sense! Why don’t you dry your eyes and we can talk about this while we’re waiting for the bus.” Alekséy extends a handkerchief. “Boy, if only people really knew how overly sensitive you are.”
***
Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember, the critiquing rules: be nice, provide constructive criticism.
Posts
7 comments:
I have to admit I cringed when I saw your word count. If every word as you said is needed then I'd consider breaking it into 3 shorter novels. Some things to look for to cut word count down, unnecessary words, long paragraphs with back story, and info dumps.
You pitch could be punched up a bit. At the moment it sounds a bit like a research paper. From the brief glimpse in the pitch it looks like you have a lot more action and interesting things that you wrote about that you could bring into the pitch to punch it up and make it sound less technical.
In the excerpt watch cliche's like 'to add insult to injury'. It's typically best to avoid them. You also might want to consider your time frame of the story, would people in your historical time say phrases like that?
I think you have a good story it just needs to be punched up a bit :)
I understand your dedication to this long word count, but the harsh truth is, once and editor or agent sees that in your query letter or hears it in your pitch, they're not going to even read your sample pages.
Let's put this in perspective. Go get a copy of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban AND a copy of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Stack them and look at the spines. That's about how long your book would be in print. About as long as a dictionary. War and Peace is 560,000 words, but it was published in 4 volumes.
In other words, I think the suggestion to break this up into 3 volumes is a good one. If you have so much story to tell you can't cut the word count, then you should have enough story for 3 volumes. If you don't have enough plot to support 3 volumes, the word count simply must go down.
But that's not why you're here. I agree with Cassandra that the pitch feels dry. I'm not sure what the stakes are for these characters. I get that they flee the Bolsheviks, but unless they're being persued by Bolsheviks agents in America, that's an inciting incident, not a plot. What propels the story for that many pages? I'd go with a more exciting format, like:
"After fleeing the Bolsheviks in revolutionary Russia, young lovers Lyuba and Ivan join a band of refugees on a journey to America where __________________" That's the part that's missing for me. What happens?
I also agree with the other critiques on your first 250. Watch out for cliche, particularly in a historical. Even colloquialisms like "Boy" as an interjection can seem inauthentic. Cassandra also makes an excellent point about your POV in the second paragraph. Is this going to be omniscient, where we can dip into anyone's head at any time, or more of a close 3rd person POV (which is what it seems like to me). In that case, the possessive should most definitely be 'my' in a direct thought.
I hope and believe that there is more to your story than we're able to access through this pitch. You seem to have an excellent feel for Russian history and I definitely get a Russian feel from your sample. Best of luck to you!
- Liz
I actually finished writing this back in August 2001, but since I wrote it on MacWriteII and ClarisWorks and the files were on disks, I didn't have access to it for a decade. I've done a ton of editing, revising, and rewriting since April, so I've been able to lower the original length and see it with almost entirely new eyes.
There's already a sequel (first draft complete at 406K), and the story of the first book isn't complete till the end, when everyone is in court to get the blood father of Lyuba's firstborn to sign over his rights to Ivan. It takes place over seven years and two countries, and Part I includes Lyuba's out of wedlock pregnancy by Ivan's former best friend Boris (whom she was trapped into a charade relationship with), Boris's abandonment of her right before she goes into labor, their band of friends running from the Bolsheviks, Ivan murdering someone to protect Lyuba, and Ivan becoming a wanted criminal after he escapes from prison. As they're fighting to stay one step above discovery, their friend Pyotr is double-crossing his Bolshevik father and older brothers to lead them to safety in Estonia and eventually onto a ship for America. All the while the manhunt is intensifying, and by the end, even Pyotr is starting to fall under suspicions.
In Part II, the tables are turned and now Lyuba is the one begging Ivan to get married. They learn America's streets are not lined with gold, as they have to indefinitely defer their dream of having a farm in the Midwest and live in a tenement just like other immigrants. Ivan's father violates Prohibition for a living, but he refuses to join him in his illegal venture for more money. And because Ivan is hesitating so long on making Lyuba a respectable woman, she starts to get antsy again, which could ruin their chance to finally get married. (She was abused by her father growing up, so she has a fear of being with a nice guy for more than a short time, and has often run from Ivan every time things start to get serious. She's more used to being hurt and abused by men.) Meanwhile, Boris is still determined to get Lyuba back, and along with her Tatyana, the little girl he now loves with all his heart.
I was advised at Pitch University to leave out word count when querying a deliberate saga, and to very carefully target agents who say they want things similar to Gone with the Wind, The Thorn Birds, Forever Amber, those sorts of historical sagas. I want any potential rejections to be based on opinion of the writing, not a modern prejudice against long books. The advice I got there showed me how to write a query emphasizing high stakes and a sweeping, saga-length scope instead of things that might be important to the plot but seem minor in comparison to things like running from the Bolsheviks and starting life over in America. I've also had the suggestion to query abroad, where long historicals are still popular. I have some lower YA/upper MG historicals that are much, much shorter (under 50,000 words) that I've considered leading with instead, though I'd really prefer to lead with my strongest manuscript.
Well, see? There's A LOT more to that story than you indicated. You've got to get some of that in there. At least mention the out of wedlock pregnancy and the bootlegging aspects. That makes it a whole different kind of story than a bunch of Russian immigrants looking for work.
It's good that you have a target market in mind. I hope you find someone looking for something like this!
- Liz
I agree with everyone else that that word count is just WAY TOO MUCH. I see in your comment that you have a target market in mind and that's awesome! I would definitely query them. But, please keep in mind that even if you get an agent/editor they will probably find areas to tweak or cut or whatever to get that word count down. I would suggest keeping an open mind about that. I'm being published by one of the leading publishers of science fiction and fantasy and they are no strangers to LONG, epic fantasies (Wheel of Time, etc.), but even still, they've done an excellent job of helping me trim and whittle away at my barely 88k word novel. Not because it was bad or even too long. It just need things to be more concise and it's only made it that much better than it was.
Also, Cassandra has an excellent point about the cliches. Most of the time, they just make readers roll their eyes and if there are too many, I have no doubt that some readers will stop reading.
Either way, good luck!
I have to agree--you need to come to an amicable agreement with the concept of either paring this waaaaay down, splitting into multiple volumes, or otherwise dealing with the massive word count. Historical fiction can run long, but "running long" is along the lines of 120K, not triple that. You may have subplots that you love, but can be cut, or characters that can be combined--without reading I don't know, of course, and it's definitely a massive editing project. But for this to catch an agent's eye, I really think it has to happen. I know you were advised to look for agents who say they want this, but that's going to be a short list--you might want to consider broadening your horizons unless you're willing to shelf this. I would not leave the word count out--honestly, it would make me suspicious or make me think you were writing a sloppy query since pretty much any advice will tell you to put the word count in, but that's just my outlook.
Beyond that--the concept is a great one! I haven't seen too much on Eastern European emmigration lately, so the concept feels fresh. However, Cassandra is right--the pitch is a bit dry, I think because it's vague. Civil upheaval and emotional unrest may be true, but they're not very specific. Nothing for me to grab onto and say ooooh! Must read more!
I wish I could read bit more to get a better feel for your style--it seems to feel a lot like the translations of period Russian fiction I've read in terms of cadence (including the use of "his" that Cassandra pointed out--was this a deliberate choice to imitate the style of period Russian lit?) However, the cliches and ananchonistic speech patterns do get in the way a bit for me--it's a hard balance to strike, the voice of histfic :) Good luck!
History can be dry, but it doesn't have to be. Turn the perspective around, twist it - remember, history is written by the victors. The voice of the victims can be very powerful.
I think if you can pull some of the personal history bits (the out of wedlock pregnancy, the suggested romance) to mix with the actual history the pitch will invest the characters more to the reader. Sometimes a simple detail can make the person ask - What happened next?
Best of luck!
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