Pitch Workshop - Charity's 85k Sci-Fantasy

Pitch Workshop - Charity's 85k Sci-Fantasy

Welcome to the Pitch Workshop with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters, and me!

Here's how we're going to play: 

Every day for the net ten days, each of us will be posting two pitches/150 word excerpts from the brave participants to our blogs. We will provide a critique, and then all of you, if you would like, can also critique the entry in the comments.

My rules if you are going to critique: Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Don't just say, "this sucks" or "this isn't working for me." Instead, say what exactly isn't working and offer a suggestion to help make it work. Any mean comments will be deleted. You know how it feels to receive critiques, so play fair.  One of the best things we can do to help our own writing is to critique the work of others. It helps us to look at our own work with a critical eye.

If you have time, don't forget to head over to Brenda's and Shelley's blogs to see/comment on their critiques as well. 

Remember, this event is in preparation for our big pitch event coming up in march, so even if you didn't make it into the workshop, read the posts, critique, play along, and it can help you for the upcoming epic event!

So, onto the entries! My comments are in [blue].

*** 

Name: Charity Bradford
Title: SENDEK: THE MAGIC WAKES
Genre: Science Fantasy
Word Count: 85,000

35-word pitch: One woman must reconcile her hidden magical talents with her public scientific personality in order to prepare for an alien invasion. When science fails to save, magic becomes the only hope. [You give some great details, but they are a bit vague. What are her hidden magical talents? How does science fail to save whatever needs saving? Why is magic the only hope?]

Excerpt:
Damn. There was no way out of it. And no way to explain.

At moments like this, Talia wished she had opted for the smaller view screen. President Fielding loomed on the wall-sized unit in front of her with his gray hair and wrinkled eyes. She clenched her hands to keep them from trembling.

He had given in to her before. She had to try one more time.

“Sir, I’ve always worked remotely from my living room. There’s no need for me to move to Joharadin.”

“Miss Shannon, I don’t know why the Royalists are making a big deal out of this, but they say it must be face to face.” Fielding clasped his hands in front of him and leaned toward her from his desk. “We need you here. They can make the moon colony happen, but we have to play by their rules to get it.” 

“But if I—”

***

Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember, the critiquing rules: be nice, provide constructive criticism.