Pitch Workshop - Crystal's 100k YA Paranormal
Welcome to the Pitch Workshop with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters, and me!
Here's how we're going to play:
Every day for the net ten days, each of us will be posting two pitches/150 word excerpts from the brave participants to our blogs. We will provide a critique, and then all of you, if you would like, can also critique the entry in the comments.
My rules if you are going to critique: Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Don't just say, "this sucks" or "this isn't working for me." Instead, say what exactly isn't working and offer a suggestion to help make it work. Any mean comments will be deleted. You know how it feels to receive critiques, so play fair. One of the best things we can do to help our own writing is to critique the work of others. It helps us to look at our own work with a critical eye.
Remember, this event is in preparation for our big pitch event coming up in march, so even if you didn't make it into the workshop, read the posts, critique, play along, and it can help you for the upcoming epic event!
So, onto the entries! My comments are in blue.
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Name: Crystal LicataTitle: THE THINGS THAT ARE [Love the title!]
Genre: Young Adult Paranormal Romance
Word Count: 100,000 [A bit on the high end, but not a closed door]
Pitch: After dreaming of her own murder, Brynn discovers her prophetic dreams are linked to the society of demigods responsible for her father’s death and the boy she loves is one of them. [I actually really like this one, it's got the paranormal influence, an inciting event, and even a love interest without being too bogged down in irreverent details. Well done Crystal!]
Excerpt:
When we heard the sirens we thought they were for us. [Oooh, tension! Good!] I lifted on my tiptoes to see over the cluster of heads crowded around the dirt caked windows. Two cop cars and an ambulance barreled pass the abandoned barn and everyone sighed with relief. The wannabe DJ cranked the music back up and someone yelled ‘shots’ and it was like nothing had happened. But I knew better.
I rinsed my sticky hands with a bottle of water and ducked under the makeshift bar built from a broken door and two old wine barrels.
“Brynn, where are you going?” Sam shouted after me. “You can’t leave me alone. Everyone keeps trying to steal our inventory.” She slid the bottles of alcohol closer together. We had managed to scavenge a few half empty bottles from her uncle’s restaurant.
I patted my hands on my jeans and leaned over the bar so she could hear me.
***
Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember, the critiquing rules: be nice, provide constructive criticism.
Posts
6 comments:
Truthfully, I've never read paranormal romance for various reasons, but I can definitely see this making it to my Kindle. The intriguing part for me is demigods. They're hardly anywhere in literature, minus for YA fantasy such as Rick Ridoran. Thanks for sharing.
I really like this! My one concern (and its a bit of a nitpick) is if she works in a bar is that too mature for ya? I guess it depends on setting and drinking/serving age. Either way this is a great start and I wish I could read more right now. What a tease!
Wait...what does she say??? I HAVE to know.
The only thing I don't care for is the last line of first paragraph. "But I knew better." It's so vague and I assume from the pitch it refers to her prophetic dreams. I might like a bit more info to really hook me.
Thanks Cassandra for the feedback :) It really helps to get the opinion and advice of other writers and people in the industry.
I thought this had a lot of potential! Had some comments here about the writing, though. I feel like the opening, although already really strong, could be stronger with some select trimming.
When we heard the sirens we thought they were for us. (Great first line!) I lifted on my tiptoes (couldn't this be simplified to "I tiptoed..."?) to see over the cluster of heads crowded around the dirt caked windows. Two cop cars and an ambulance barreled pass (should be "past," right?) the abandoned barn (I think a new sentence should start after this next and) and everyone sighed with relief. The wannabe DJ cranked the music back up and someone yelled ‘shots’ and (I feel like this and should be left out, too. The next line is strong on its own!) it was like nothing had happened. But I knew better.
I rinsed my sticky hands with a bottle of water and ducked under the makeshift bar (while I like the rest of the description here, it seems a bit much. It's also the third time that "and" is used three times in a sentence...) built from a broken door and two old wine barrels.
“Brynn, where are you going?” Sam shouted after me. “You can’t leave me alone. Everyone keeps trying to steal our inventory.” She slid the bottles of alcohol closer together. We had managed to scavenge a few half empty bottles from her uncle’s restaurant. (I think these two sentences could be joined to simplify: "She slid the few half-empty bottles of alcohol we stole from her uncle closer together.")
I patted my hands on my jeans and leaned over the bar so she could hear me. (I like this detail. I can picture it. This could also be a good place to get in that extra description about the door & wine barrel construction.)
Thanks Jessica for the critique. I will definitely tighten the writing a bit. I see how a few changes can really improve the flow. And it should be "past". I didn't even catch that...hello? :)
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