Pitch Workshop: Huntress's 100k Fantasy
Welcome to the Pitch Workshop with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters, and me!
Here's how we're going to play:
Until February 18th, each of us will be posting pitches/150 word excerpts from the brave participants to our blogs. We will provide a critique, and then all of you, if you would like, can also critique the entry in the comments.
My rules if you are going to critique: Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Don't just say, "this sucks" or "this isn't working for me." Instead, say what exactly isn't working and offer a suggestion to help make it work. Any mean comments will be deleted. You know how it feels to receive critiques, so play fair. One of the best things we can do to help our own writing is to critique the work of others. It helps us to look at our own work with a critical eye.
Remember, this event is in preparation for our big pitch event coming up in march, so even if you didn't make it into the workshop, read the posts, critique, play along, and it can help you for the upcoming epic event!
So, onto the entries! My comments are in [blue].
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Title: The Adamant
Genre: Contemporary Fantasy
Word Count: 100 K
Pitch: A sentient relic made from the horn of a unicorn believes Shamira Kelley is its willing acolyte but possession doesn’t sit well [Can we break the sentence here? I just feel like it's a lot to take in in one sentence.] and she fights the relic and those who would use it against mankind. [How can it be used against mankind? And who wants to use it? I like the unique idea of this one, it just seems a little vague.]
Excerpt:
His lazy strides across the mall caught my attention. Like he had time to kill and everyone else could wait at his leisure. Most galling was how people moved out of his way. No glares. No commotion.
He appeared to be about my age, early twenties with black hair that curled just below the collar of his white shirt, height under six feet. With the body of a dancer, slender waist, and broad shoulders, his physique should have been drawing stares. But that wasn’t what piqued my interest. What set me off was his arrogance. Not his looks. Totally secondary. I barely noticed. Really.
Glances from the people in the crowded mall slid off, went around him like light bending around the source.
“Will you look at that,” I said to Olive, my former guardian.
He appeared to be about my age, early twenties with black hair that curled just below the collar of his white shirt, height under six feet. With the body of a dancer, slender waist, and broad shoulders, his physique should have been drawing stares. But that wasn’t what piqued my interest. What set me off was his arrogance. Not his looks. Totally secondary. I barely noticed. Really.
Glances from the people in the crowded mall slid off, went around him like light bending around the source.
“Will you look at that,” I said to Olive, my former guardian.
She turned away from matching towels, threw me a hard look, and shot a quick glance around us.
***
Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember, the critiquing rules: be nice, provide constructive criticism.
Posts
1 comments:
Wow, interesting concept. I read this on the critique partner blog recently,I think.
Maybe the first line could be punched up by moving it around a bit, making it less passive seeming:
What caought my attention first was the laziness of his strides. Like he had time to kill and everyone else could wait at his leisure. Most galling was how people moved out of his way. No glares. No commotion.
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