Pitch Workshop: J.W.'s 76k Fantasy

Pitch Workshop: J.W.'s 76k Fantasy

Welcome to the Pitch Workshop with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters, and me!

Here's how we're going to play: 

Until February 18th, each of us will be posting pitches/150 word excerpts from the brave participants to our blogs. We will provide a critique, and then all of you, if you would like, can also critique the entry in the comments.

My rules if you are going to critique: Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Don't just say, "this sucks" or "this isn't working for me." Instead, say what exactly isn't working and offer a suggestion to help make it work. Any mean comments will be deleted. You know how it feels to receive critiques, so play fair.  One of the best things we can do to help our own writing is to critique the work of others. It helps us to look at our own work with a critical eye.

If you have time, don't forget to head over to Brenda's and Shelley's blogs to see/comment on their critiques as well. 

Remember, this event is in preparation for our big pitch event coming up in march, so even if you didn't make it into the workshop, read the posts, critique, play along, and it can help you for the upcoming epic event!

So, onto the entries! My comments are in [blue].

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Name: J.W. Parente
Title: Bond of Darkness
Genre: Fantasy
Word Count: 76,000 words

Pitch: A young mage seeks to avenge his father’s murder, but in the process learns his personal vendetta may see to the genocide of his magus order, and at the hands of someone close to him. [I feel like I've read this before, I don't see anything new that draws my interest. Maybe you could focus on a plot point that shows a bit more of your character and makes it a little less vague?]

Excerpt:

People these days seem to favor the expression, “Born in a world long since destroyed.” It’s bullshit, most of them blowhards who complain about being normal. The majority of them are Humes who only know day trades. The others are the hybrids that have come to the Motherplane. You see, I’ve been taught one thing about my superiors. That said, I’m still young, so I suppose my opinion wouldn’t much qualify to someone arguing with me. [Who is this person talking to?]

However, I do know how to defend my own kind if it comes to it. We’re a strong number, the mages of the Affinity, but therein is the source of the Humes' expression. They think we’re too powerful who be given the type of reverence we see. They think we expect too much adoration for keeping Elyserian running properly. The truth is they don’t know half as much as I would care, but then they’re only granted to know what they can’t use to disassemble us. [This sounds like too much backstory, too much of the local lingo without enough introduction or balance with stuff we already know. Do you need to tell us all this right from the get go? And again, who is this person talking to?]

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Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember, the critiquing rules: be nice, provide constructive criticism.