Pitch Workshop - Kate's 83k YA Contemporary
Welcome to the Pitch Workshop with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters, and me!
Here's how we're going to play:
Every day for the net ten days, each of us will be posting two pitches/150 word excerpts from the brave participants to our blogs. We will provide a critique, and then all of you, if you would like, can also critique the entry in the comments.
My rules if you are going to critique: Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Don't just say, "this sucks" or "this isn't working for me." Instead, say what exactly isn't working and offer a suggestion to help make it work. Any mean comments will be deleted. You know how it feels to receive critiques, so play fair. One of the best things we can do to help our own writing is to critique the work of others. It helps us to look at our own work with a critical eye.
Remember, this event is in preparation for our big pitch event coming up in march, so even if you didn't make it into the workshop, read the posts, critique, play along, and it can help you for the upcoming epic event!
So, onto the entries! My comments are in [blue].
***
Name: Kate Larkindale Title: The Boyfriend Plague [LOVE the title!]
Genre: YA Contemporary
Word count: 83,000
Pitch: With her family making demands she can’t live up to, and her friends asking her to deny who she is, Livvie must decide how far she is willing to go for the people she loves. [I know this is contemporary and those are usually based on emotions and characters more than plot, but this couldn't be more vague. It says nothing about what Livvie has to deal with, what kind of person she is, or even what happens in the story. What are her family demands? Why do her friends want her to deny who she is? Who is she anyway? Why is there a need for her to go anywhere for anyone? What's she up against? Give us something concrete that we can latch onto. What about that title? Who's the boyfriend and why is there a plague? That could be something that's enough to catch and keep our attention.]
Excerpt: I squirmed on the splintery wooden bench. The room was too small and the irregular buzzing that crept over the lopsided swinging doors set my teeth on edge. Each burst sent a cloud of rusty orange scattering through my skull. [I must be missing it, but what exactly is setting her off? Where's the buzzing coming from?]
“Is this okay, Livvie?” Mel leaned over and pressed a slip of paper onto my knee.
I studied it for a moment, still trying to shake off the burning color my synesthesia had painted the world. “Yeah. It’s perfect.” I grinned at her, but my lips trembled so much I’m sure it was more a grimace.
“What about yours?” Mel turned to Hannah who had her paper crumpled in her fist.
She smoothed it out against the taut fabric of her jeans. “It’s good. I don’t think Mom could tell she hadn’t signed it.”
Mel sighed and glanced down at her own scrap of paper.
***
Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember, the critiquing rules: be nice, provide constructive criticism.
Posts
2 comments:
I agree that the pitch is very vague. From that I couldn't tell if it was a YA or adult book. I'd like to see something about the "plague" or Livvie's interactions with boys since that is evident in the title.
You paint a nice picture in the first paragraph but I'm a little confused on where she is though. I'm confused about the buzzing and how the rusty orange is scattering through her skull?
I like the interaction between Mel and Livvie though and I would be interested to see what happens next. I would recommend working on the initial paragraph to make it as interesting as the dialogue.
If you can work more specific details into your pitch, that would really help with the vagueness of it. It's the details that always separate one book from another :)
I like the opening, but I think that the first bit is confusing. However, if you can move up the fact that she has synesthesia before the dialog starts, I think that would go a long way to making the beginning work. It's just a little too far from the effects she's experiencing as it stands now.
Post a Comment