Pitch Workshop - KAusten's 90k YA Sci-fi
Welcome to the Pitch Workshop with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters, and me!
Here's how we're going to play:
Every day for the net ten days, each of us will be posting two pitches/150 word excerpts from the brave participants to our blogs. We will provide a critique, and then all of you, if you would like, can also critique the entry in the comments.
My rules if you are going to critique: Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Don't just say, "this sucks" or "this isn't working for me." Instead, say what exactly isn't working and offer a suggestion to help make it work. Any mean comments will be deleted. You know how it feels to receive critiques, so play fair. One of the best things we can do to help our own writing is to critique the work of others. It helps us to look at our own work with a critical eye.
Remember, this event is in preparation for our big pitch event coming up in march, so even if you didn't make it into the workshop, read the posts, critique, play along, and it can help you for the upcoming epic event!
So, onto the entries! My comments are in blue.
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Name: KAusten Title: Theian Legacy
Genre: YA sci-fi
Word Count: 90,000
Pitch: Amid shattered histories and cruel bullies, Maya finds hope in the boy next door. Her powers thrust her into the path of the hunters, but Jun will risk everything to protect her. [Wait, what powers? Who are the hunters? Who is Jun? What does the boy next door have to do with the plot? Why does Maya need protecting? What does she need protection from? What are the shattered histories and cruel bullies? I think bringing things into focus more can help make it sound less vague and less like a throwaway plot. What exactly makes this book sci-fi? What makes it unique?]
Excerpt:
“Freak,” Maya muttered, and stared at her reflection in the mirror. [starting with description of the main character in a mirror is a bit of a cliche, even if it does have to do with the plot.] Haunting blue-green eyes glistened with turmoil and self-loathing, and dark hair with natural white streaks billowed around her shoulders.
She raised a hand and pressed against the cool glass. A rolling from the pit of her belly spread to her arms, her hand, and seeped through fingertip pores. A strange, intense heat met the mirror surface, and sparks formed.
Tiny splinters branched out across the glass. Slight crackles filled the silence.
Maya pressed harder, until the splinters widened into cracks and shattered the mirror.
“Maya!”
She jumped. Panic assailed her gut. She spun toward the bedroom door where her stepmother, Linda, gaped at the mess. Disapproval and disbelief lingered on her long, pale face.
“Did you break another mirror? I thought we were past this.”
Had
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Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember, the critiquing rules: be nice, provide constructive criticism.
Posts
4 comments:
I understand the difficulties of trying to get something exciting and paranormal-ish into the opening of a novel. I struggle with it myself. However, in this case, I find myself more confused than drawn in. A little more context would probably help. Also, is shattering glass the extent of her powers? If not, you might hint that it's just the tip of the iceberg. You're obviously a talented writer, but the writing is getting a little lost here (for me).
I can see what you're going for with the pitch, but it feels a little scattered--I don't know what the elements have to do with one another. Are the shattered histories and bullies linked? Are these things linked to Maya's powers, or to the hunters, or just there to provide backdrop? If it's just backdrop, I don't know that it's needed here--because you get such a short space to get our attention! There's also nothing in either the pitch or first 250 to indicate that it's sci-fi--it feels more paranormal(though I can appreciate we've only gotten a really slim window here, so that might be asking too much :))
For the pitch, I think it'd be helpful to say who the Theins are and what Maya's powers are. I know it's amazingly hard to fit in a pitch, but maybe something that gives some concrete details of the world will cement the idea. Best of luck!!
Ditto what the others have said regarding the pitch - more concrete details are definitely needed.
For the opening, the staring in the mirror beginning is cliche, however, i think you have an opportunity here to totally turn this cliche on its head and make it work. How about starting here instead:
"Maya raised a hand and pressed against the cool glass. A rolling from the pit of her belly spread to her arms, her hand, and seeped through fingertip pores. A strange, intense heat met the mirror surface, and sparks formed.
Tiny splinters branched out across the glass. Slight crackles filled the silence.
Maya pressed harder, until the splinters widened into cracks and shattered the mirror...
[and then add something like: She hated looking at her reflection.]"
You've got some powerful imagery here and the ability to shatter a mirror is intriguing. If you can just cut out the cliched part and get to the heart of it (which sounds to me like she hates seeing her reflection, hence she breaks it), this would really shine!
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