Pitch Workshop - Meradeth's 86k YA Fantasy

Pitch Workshop - Meradeth's 86k YA Fantasy

Welcome to the Pitch Workshop with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters, and me!

Here's how we're going to play:

Every day for the net ten days, each of us will be posting two pitches/150 word excerpts from the brave participants to our blogs. We will provide a critique, and then all of you, if you would like, can also critique the entry in the comments.

My rules if you are going to critique: Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Don't just say, "this sucks" or "this isn't working for me." Instead, say what exactly isn't working and offer a suggestion to help make it work. Any mean comments will be deleted. You know how it feels to receive critiques, so play fair.  One of the best things we can do to help our own writing is to critique the work of others. It helps us to look at our own work with a critical eye.

If you have time, don't forget to head over to Brenda's and Shelley's blogs to see/comment on their critiques as well.

Remember, this event is in preparation for our big pitch event coming up in march, so even if you didn't make it into the workshop, read the posts, critique, play along, and it can help you for the upcoming epic event!

So, onto the entries! My comments are in blue.

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Name: Meradeth 

Title: Shadows
Genre: YA sci-fi
Word count: 86,000

Pitch:
Step one: figure out what the oily shadows creatures Leah sees actually are. Step two: figure out why they murdered her family. Step three: figure out how to kill them all.  I like the voice this one has, but it makes me think paranormal more than sci-fi. The 'steps' lend a clinical air to this as well, but it's a fine line between too technical/unemotional and form for the sake of style. It works here, but may not work for others.

Excerpt:
The dark rind of dried blood wasn’t coming out from under my fingernails no matter how hard I scrubbed. I finally grabbed a paper towel and turned off the faucet, giving up. I used the same towel to push open the graffiti-coated door. A quick glance around the parking lot, thankfully empty, left me breathing easier.

The wooden dowel the gas-station owner used to keep any non-customers from using his bathroom was shoved into my back pocket, and I stepped inside the convenience store to return it. The man behind the counter was reading a magazine with some stacked girl posing on the front in a way that amplified her ‘assets.’ I dropped the key on the counter and muttered, “In your dreams,” as I walked away. The clerk didn’t look up.

An electronic chime sounded as the front door opened and I glanced up just in time to avoid slamming into the cop sauntering into the store. While technically well done, this sample feels bland. There are several stereotypes (the sauntering cop, the woman scoffing at sexy images, the icky gas station restroom) and when put together it feels like something we've seen before. Starting with a unique situation or a character with an interesting voice or style could help.

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Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember, the critiquing rules: be nice, provide constructive criticism.