Pitch Workshop: Sharon's 90k Fantasy

Pitch Workshop: Sharon's 90k Fantasy

Welcome to the Pitch Workshop with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters, and me!

Here's how we're going to play: 

Until February 18th, each of us will be posting pitches/150 word excerpts from the brave participants to our blogs. We will provide a critique, and then all of you, if you would like, can also critique the entry in the comments.

My rules if you are going to critique: Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Don't just say, "this sucks" or "this isn't working for me." Instead, say what exactly isn't working and offer a suggestion to help make it work. Any mean comments will be deleted. You know how it feels to receive critiques, so play fair.  One of the best things we can do to help our own writing is to critique the work of others. It helps us to look at our own work with a critical eye.

If you have time, don't forget to head over to Brenda's and Shelley's blogs to see/comment on their critiques as well. 

Remember, this event is in preparation for our big pitch event coming up in march, so even if you didn't make it into the workshop, read the posts, critique, play along, and it can help you for the upcoming epic event!

So, onto the entries! My comments are in [blue].

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Name: Sharon Bayliss
Title: Destruction
Genre: Upmarket Contemporary Fantasy 

Word Count: 90,000

Pitch: When David’s missing children are found, they claim that their abuser had been a dark wizard. The case manager believes they use this fairy tale to cope with their trauma, but David suspects otherwise.  [Wow, I really like this one! All sorts of implied things and just enough details to set the scene! Well done!]

Excerpt:

David never ignored calls from unknown numbers. The only times he didn’t answer unknowns were in church, in important business meetings, and while making love to his wife. Any phone call could be the one he had been waiting to receive for the past eleven years. 

The call came when David was lying in bed with Amanda watching television. She was asleep with her head on his arm. His fingers were tingling from the weight of her head cutting off his circulation, but he didn’t push her away. Not quite yet. This was the only time in the day when she slowed down enough that he could see the blond tips of eyelashes or the freckles between her breasts. No one else noticed these things, perhaps not even Amanda herself. They were David's alone.

When his phone rang on the nightstand, Amanda opened her eyes again. He reached for it without having to think about it.

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Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember, the critiquing rules: be nice, provide constructive criticism.