Pitch Workshop - Tracy's 80k YA Fantasy

Pitch Workshop - Tracy's 80k YA Fantasy

Welcome to the Pitch Workshop with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters, and me!

Here's how we're going to play: 

Every day for the net ten days, each of us will be posting two pitches/150 word excerpts from the brave participants to our blogs. We will provide a critique, and then all of you, if you would like, can also critique the entry in the comments.

My rules if you are going to critique: Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Don't just say, "this sucks" or "this isn't working for me." Instead, say what exactly isn't working and offer a suggestion to help make it work. Any mean comments will be deleted. You know how it feels to receive critiques, so play fair.  One of the best things we can do to help our own writing is to critique the work of others. It helps us to look at our own work with a critical eye.

If you have time, don't forget to head over to Brenda's and Shelley's blogs to see/comment on their critiques as well. 

Remember, this event is in preparation for our big pitch event coming up in march, so even if you didn't make it into the workshop, read the posts, critique, play along, and it can help you for the upcoming epic event!

So, onto the entries! My comments are in blue.

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Name: Tracy N. Jorgensen
Title: THE IMPENDING DEMISE OF THE GIRL WITH BROWN EYES
Genre: YA Fantasy
Word Count: 80,000

Pitch: After seven assassination attempts, Jerome Harold Prewitt III wants some answers, and the Girl with Brown Eyes, a time-traveler, has them. Unfortunately, a seductive witch has her, Jerome’s family, and a penchant for domesticating monsters. This might sound stupid, but is someone attempting to assassinate him, or has he failed to assassinate someone else? Is the witch the assassinator/assassinatee? Is it necessary to include his full name? There's so much going on here (assassinations, time traveling, witches, monsters) that it's hard to know what the focus is.

Excerpt:

At twelve years and not old enough for a title, the Boy kept his focus on the moss-covered cobblestones at his feet, but he stopped his daily walk through the cemetery at a sight even he could not dismiss.

"You shouldn’t do that.” He narrowed his eyes and glared with indignation.[Says the same thing twice]

"Do what?" The target of his fury, a girl no older than he, swung her legs back and forth. She had brown eyes, but as for her other features, he had not taken the time to notice them. He found something else far more interesting.[What has he found more interesting?]

"What you’re doing, sitting on that headstone there."

"And why shouldn’t I?" Her question seemed genuine, but the Boy could not fathom how she could not see the issue with her actions.

"Because. Someone died there."

The Brown-Eyed Girl brushed an orange leaf from the headstone. "No they didn’t. Not one of these people died here..."

***

Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember, the critiquing rules: be nice, provide constructive criticism.